Whirling Dirvish

Thinking of Having Kids? (but not to dissuade anyone ... of course!)

LESSON 1

1.Go to the grocery store

2.Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head

office.

3.Go home.

4.Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

LESSON 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who

already are parents and berate them about their...

1.Methods of discipline.

2.Lack of patience.

3.Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4.Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's

breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall

behaviour.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will

have all the answers.

LESSON 3

To discover how the nights will feel...

1.Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet

bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static

(or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go

to sleep.

3.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the

bag, until 1AM.

4.Set the alarm for 3AM.

5.As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a

drink.

6.Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7.Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8.Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.

9.Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

10.Look cheerful.

LESSON 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1.Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2.Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it

there all summer.

3.Stick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the

clean walls.

4.Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

LESSON 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1.Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2.Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the

arms hang out.

3.Time allowed for this - all morning.

LESSON 6

Craft Test:

1.Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of

paint, turn it into an alligator.

2.Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only

Scotch tape and a piece of aluminium foil, turn it into an attractive

Christmas candle.

3.Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty

packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

LESSON 7

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can

leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't

look like that.

1.Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove

compartment. Leave it there.

2.Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.

3.Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them

into the back seat.

4.Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

5.There. Perfect.

LESSON 8

1.Get ready to go out.

2.Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.

3.Go out the front door.

4.Come in again. Then go out.

5.Come back in.

6.Go out again.

7.Walk down the front path.

8.Walk back up it.

9.Walk down it again.

10.Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11.Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about

every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead

insect along the way.

12.Retrace your steps.

13.Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the

neighbours come out and stare at you.

14.Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a

walk.

LESSON 9

Repeat everything you say at least (if not more than) five

times.

LESSON 10

Go to the local grocery store.

1.Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school

child (a full-grown goat is excellent).

2.If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one

goat.

3.Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of

your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Just hand over

your pay check.

4.Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate

having children.

LESSON 11

1.Hollow out a melon.

2.Make a small hole in the side.

3.Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4.Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them

into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5.Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6.Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the

air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

LESSON 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,

Disney, the Teletubbies, PBS, Noggin, Nickelodeon and Pokemon.

Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

LESSON 13

Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick

your nose in it.

Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

LESSON 14

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.

(Important: no more than a four second delay between each

"mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is

required).

Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four

years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

LESSON 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice.

Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-

sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14

above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while

there is a child in the room.

LESSON 16

1.Go into the living room; sit on your favourite chair.

2.Pee & poop on the chair, get up and run around the room

continuing to pee.

3.Change yourself, clean up your mess.

4.Do this for 16 to seventeen times each day for a week.

5.Then, stop having accidents for one or two weeks.

6.Then on the third week begin peeing around the house again,

cleaning up after each accident.

7.Do this for about six months.

8.You are now ready for potty training your two/three year old.

If you want to know what its like to potty train and have a

newborn, add in a 10-15 pound bag of potatoes. Carry it around as you

pick up all the pee & poop.